15 years
Fifteen years ago on November 30, I lost my mom to cancer. This was her fourth and last time battling the disease. I was an only child of a single, working mom. She meant everything to me, although I didn’t realize it at the time. The holidays have been bad time for me the past years, I kinda knew why, but I also didn’t deal with it like I should have. I never really talk about her, if i think about her too much I start to tear up so I make myself stop. I finally realized that I need to just write about her and get it all out. No one reads this thing anyway, so I might as well write it here on this blog. I am not a very good writer so don’t expect much.
My parents divorced when I was about 7 years old, I really don’t have any memories of living with my father. I would only get to visit him one or twice a year, he and my step mom lived far away. It was always just me and Mom. She struggled at first trying to support us, being a working woman in the 70s was difficult, especially for a divorced woman with a kid. But she was a strong woman, I do remember that about her, she stood up for herself, and spoke her mind. I was a pain in the neck son. I don’t really have too many memories from when I was a kid, other than I had a bad temper, very picky eater, and general devil child. But my mom put up with me and was apparently a good enough influence. I have never really been in serious trouble, never been arrested, and I feel grew up to be a half-way decent person.
I was in 8th grade the first time she was diagnosed with cancer. She tried her best to play it down and of course I was too into what ever I was doing to really understand it all. She had friends take her to doctor appointments and for treatments. She never really let on how bad it was on her, at least to me. After a year of treatments she went into remission. Then about a year later, they found more cancer. Another year of treatments, another year of remission. This pattern happened 2 more times. That’s 8 years of battling cancer for her. I was never around for her as much as I should have been.
I remember the night I got back to my apartment and my roommate said that someone had called and said my mom was in the hospital in Topeka. I had a friend drive me there and I stayed and talked with my mom for a long time. We both knew it was the last time we would be able to talk.
Was searching for a professor with your name, but stumbled into here for a while.
My mom died 13 year ago (every bit as excruciating and painful as yours)and I was struck by your comments. Honestly I thought it was just me.
It’s pretty much from Thanksgiving Day to Christmas day where it hurts. It hurts so much I am very fragile for that stretch. I can deal with her death just fine the other 350 or so days a year. I’m a tough guy. But that long stretch is so brutal. I hate the holidays and always have since her death. I think that’s because she lived for the holidays–it was where she shined brightest.
Maybe it all evens out, good luck.
I have never lost anyone to cancer, but your writing intrigued me. I think it’s the reflection of our lives that intrests me. I never know what to say…I’m not a writer either. As I was reading I was thinking about how guilty you must feel for not “being there for her” like you think you should have. You know, you were just a kid without all of the knowledge and understanding of what cancer really is and how it can change our lives. I’m sad for your loss and proud of your reflection. Keep writing! Peace!
You’re a parent so you know that no matter what, those last few mmoments are what mattered the most to her and you were there. That is what counts.
We all have situations we wish we could go back and do over, but life doesnt give us “do overs” so we do the best we can each day.
I think getting older is harder than being young because we are able to start coming full circle and realize what we could have done differently when we were younger and its too late to change things. Does that make sense?
So sorry for your loss Randy. I never knew. My wife’s mother battled breast cancer for nine years. She passed away about seven months after we were married and a few months before the birth of our first child.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re making a positive contribution to this world. No parent could ever ask for more than that. You honor your mother everyday by the way you live.
I hope all is well.